I stayed up pretty late the night before; probably until around 2am, and this is weird because I tend to fall asleep by 9:30 most days. I woke up in Wallingford around 10 and had the plan to drive home and stop at the store to pick up some frozen fruit to continue making myself smoothies while I try to quit coffee (again).
With my hair unwashed, wearing the same outfit I always end up wearing to Shop Rite (long grey shirt with some reindeer leggings) I headed out thinking this trip would take 15 minutes tops. And it probably did take about that long, but it felt longer.
Apparently everyone buys groceries on Saturdays, so it took me a minute to find parking. I ended up finding a spot toward the left of the store, and I hate parking there. It's just kind of out of the way and it makes the walk into the store a little longer, and I am lazy. Anyway, I started walking in, thinking of the 5 things I needed, and a man sitting near the door yells out to me.
"Hey young lady! I like your boots!" And okay, he's not exactly harassing me, he's being nice, so I just say thanks and do a fake laugh as I continue walking in. He says, "You're welcome. Thank you." For what, wearing my boots? But whatever, it's fine, even though I'd rather no one speak to me at the store. The next few minutes are uneventful as I find lettuce and cinnamon Cheerios while avoiding the million shopping carts in every aisle.
But then in the frozen fruit aisle, I see the guy approaching.
I stared intently at the fruit thinking, please don't talk to me, please don't talk to me. But unfortunately he is not psychic and has no idea that I would rather die than talk to him while I'm shopping.
"There's those boots!" I half smile, looking dead in the eyes I'm sure. And then he holds out his hand for a God damn fist bump. I sigh and walk forward and fist bump him, hoping this will satisfy him and I can continue shopping.
To my delight, it worked. "Stay beautiful young lady!" he yells as he slides away. "Okay..." I tell him.
To some of you, this probably sounds like some friendly grocery store interaction. To me, it's literally the worst thing that could have happened while I was out. I just wanted some frozen berries and cereal, and I had to talk to someone.
Like, okay, I know it's not the end of the world, but this feeling has plagued me my whole life. This feeling is why I would never voluntarily raise my hand in class, and why I still never say hi to people, and why I apologize for literally everything.
I think it's safe to say I have probably started about 5 conversations in my entire life, and the rest I just got lucky enough that someone else is braver than I am. It's probably something to be worked on, but mostly I just walk with my head down and hope no one notices me.
When I have to make a phone call, which is sometimes part of my job, I have to psych myself up about it for 5 minutes first. And then I think about it for 5 minutes after it's done. I still don't want to be the one in a group who has to order the pizza. I mean, I will, because it's pizza, but I don't want to!
To be fair, I have gotten much better in recent years; I am able to make my own dentist appointments, and I can keep up polite conversation with strangers when I must. But most days, I just have that feeling of no one wants to talk to you!!!!
And I don't mean for this to sound sad, because again this is something to be worked on. I guess all I'm saying is consider this next time you are about to be "such a dad" and talk to some random girl out and about in public. Because I hate it. And now I'm blogging about it. Because I'm a millennial. Yay!
That's about all I have for today. I feel weird sharing it but oh well I already wrote it! I hope everyone is having a nice week; I for sure am with the amazing weather we've been having. Can't wait for it to be this warm all the time.
OK BYE.
Recommended Listening: Love - Lana Del Rey (UMM, just heard this today and I am obsessed)
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